


All Your Fault

by Miri1984



Category: Rusty Quill Gaming (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-12 06:48:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28881225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miri1984/pseuds/Miri1984
Summary: Inner thoughts of the party in the Garden of Yerlick.
Comments: 13
Kudos: 47





	All Your Fault

**_Hamid_ **

_It’s all your fault_

At first, it’s easy enough to ignore. He’s lived with guilt and its associated internal monologues of blame for nearly a year now, lived with the intermittent slamming realisations of his own failure, lived with the knowledge that if he had done differently, been stronger, _been better,_ then people who are now dead would otherwise be alive.

There are ways of dealing with it. In the first few weeks, he had pushed it down and away, avoided thinking about it, done anything to distract himself from it. The black tentacles of it would still reach up and try to strangle him when he went to bed, but he would sleep, eventually, wracked with exhaustion, and hope that somehow letting them writhe through his dreams would lessen their hold on him when he woke.

It didn’t.

It was finding Zolf and the others that helped, in the end. It was doing rather than wallowing. It was moving forwards and becoming what he had so utterly failed to be at university that let those tentacles loosen their hold on him.

And then…

Then they’d lost Sasha and Grizzop.

_It’s all your fault._

There was a moment, when he was sure he could see Aziza’s face, and it was no longer a comfort, because he knew, deep inside, that the voice was right.

**_Cel_ **

_It’s all your fault._

They don’t even register it at first, because it’s too similar to the background thoughts they have in their mind all the time, the thoughts that they crowd out with formulas and equations and the fact that Yuko was just here, just now, he was there and they could smell him and the memories of his arms around them and his voice, low and tickling in their ear were almost enough almost not quite never enough to drown out the sound of

… _It’s all your fault._

They know this. They’ve known this for decades. That the blight could think it would be enough to make them crumble is laughable. 

And yet.

**_Azu_ **

_It’s all your fault._

Oh, oh she _knows._ She knows it to her bones. She left Chinua and he is lost, she left Emeka and he was taken, she didn’t hold on to Grizzop and he slipped away.

But.

Grizzop was there. He was with her and he was happy and she knew he didn’t blame her. Chinua may have succumbed to the infection, but it wasn’t her that brought it to him, she’d been fighting against it. Emeka isn’t lost. They’d found him, they’d fought for him, they’d freed him.

She had spoken to her god.

It wasn’t her fault.

**_Zolf_ **

_It’s all your fault._

_Yeah. I know. Fuck you._

**_Wilde_ **

_It’s all your fault._

From the very beginning, from the time he’d accepted the brand into his skin, from the moment he’d put trust into people, into things, that were so powerful that trust was meaningless. Yes. It is all his fault. 

Yes it is his fault that Sasha and Grizzop were lost. It is his fault that he hadn’t seen the connections with Tesla, hadn’t read the clues with Newton, hadn’t had the wit to put the pieces of the puzzle together enough to stop the end of the world.

Yes, it _is_ his fault, and he has the power, now, to make that fault not come down on the people he loves. 

He raises his hands.

He sings.


End file.
